Somebody suggested that my posts lately have been a little serious. Which immediately led me to the realization that I need to fix that. So I hereby certify  that this post is 100% useful information free. So if you’re here expecting to get some sort of life or writing lesson…perhaps you should move along. The rest of us are going to break out the liquor and tell some stories.

My first problem was that I didn’t have a topic. Then I saw a mentor kill another mentor with a trident.

True story. Okay…mostly true. Let’s call it ‘based on a true story.’

So with that inspiration, I thought I would write for you A Behind the Scenes Look at Pitch Wars*

First off, I want you to know that the group of mentors resembles a herd of kittens with a laser pointer in the room. But hey, this is serious business. So when Brenda speaks, everybody listens.

That was actual footage. For the record, that may have been me with the rocket launcher. But you can bet that a romance writer instigated it. Romance writers instigate everything. They are also hilarious. And wildly inappropriate. And a little bit terrifying. Actually, that’s not really a behind the scenes thing. They’re like that in public, too.

And I have to tell you…there are cliques.

Yeah, you’d like to think it’s one big group, but alas, it’s not to be. It’s a post-apocalypse wasteland, and we’re at the only untouched Wal-Mart left in the country. And there are probably zombies. Although to be fair, those might just be mentors who stayed up too late reading submissions.

You’ve got the aforementioned romance writers, talking about body parts and dirty things. Then you’ve got a bunch of YA writers talking about YA things. I don’t know, angst? Sounds right. Hell, I don’t know. It’s about teenagers. I stopped listening (Just kidding — I love you, son!)

You’ve got a bunch of middle grade writers doing what they do, which I assume is making fart jokes and eating paste. Or making a blanket fort. Which, you know, sounds kind of fun, now that you mention it.

And then of course you’ve got the SF/F writers, doing their thing.

I think it goes without saying who’s having the most fun.

But amazingly, this is all going to come together in the next week. Probably. A week is like, forever. There’s no panic here at all. None. We’ve got plenty of time. All we’ve got to do is pick our submission, read all the other ones again and second-guess ourselves, spy on/negotiate with/blackmail/bribe other mentors to pick something different…what could go wrong?

Seriously. It’s all going well. Oh, and we have a donut machine. Because hey…perks. And bonus, no ants, because the middle grade mentors have collected them all to use in their upcoming battles. So there you have it. Now you know what’s going on behind the curtain, and you don’t have to worry about it anymore.

Part 2 is here

*I might be making some of this up. Okay, most of it. All of it. It’s 100% lies. But see, when you’re a writer, you call lies ‘work.’ It’s a sweet gig.