Warning. If you’re a mentor actually involved in a battle, turn away now. I know this is a stressful time for you. So of course the rest of us are going to have fun with it. And that’s the truth of it. Behind the scenes right now the mentors who are engaged in battle are very nervous. The rest of us are like:

Obviously. It’s what we do. We revel in other people’s stress. Does that make us bad people? Probably. The mentors who are dueling it out feel like they’re going to vomit. And for us it’s like watching the kid who just scarfed an entire pizza get on the tilt-a-whirl. You know you shouldn’t watch, but you also know you’re not going to look away. Because it might be awesome.

So how did we get here? The thing is, most mentors don’t want to battle. Really, they don’t. It’s like one of those middle school fights where neither kid wants to be there, but one person said one thing, then another person said another thing. Friends got involved, and everybody’s talking smack, and now they can’t back down. So we find ourselves behind the school after last bell, two sweaty kids staring at each other, neither sure what to do.

The crowd has ideas.

And then there’s the gambling. Somebody came up with the idea to bet on the battles, because as you know, gambling makes everything better. Okay, that was me. Let’s face it, I’d bet on my 9-year-old nephew’s soccer game if I could get somebody to bet the other side. Preferably, they’d bet on my nephew’s team so I could get him to take a dive and throw the game.

Mike! That’s horrible! What kind of lesson are you teaching that young man?

What? You mean teaching him how life works? Besides, he’s a smart kid. His parents raised him right. He knows Uncle Mike will take care of him, and there will be a little something extra under the tree at Christmas.

You are a bad man! What would his mother say? 

I don’t know. Maybe ‘WTF Mike, my kid isn’t 9. He’s 10.’  Oops. Who can really keep track of these things?

Okay, fine. There’s not really any gambling. None at all. Make sure you write that down, Mr. RICO investigator. Zero illegal activity behind the scenes. I absolutely don’t have to kick up to Brenda a 15% cut for conducting business on her turf.

To be honest, I have a lot of respect for these mentors going to battle. Some of these folks are terrifying. Oh, sure, they’re smiling at you. Because they know you already drank the wine with the poison in it.

I don’t know how they handle it. I myself would choose a different strategy.

Good luck to all the mentors involved in our entertainment the battles. And good luck to our applicants getting through the next couple of days. Be good to each other.

*Still not remotely true.